Hellpine //DESPITE




I haven't seen an animal in days. Even the birds are still, and flit from view before I register them. Sometimes a high branch quivers with the ghost of one.
What has happened here? What does the forest remember? Some horror, up ahead. Anything. Anything's better than the crushing silence. Bring on the blood rust abattoirs. Bring on the meat eaters.
The long empty between rigid pine trunks.
Ears prickle at the softest sounds, the rustle of my coat, the hint of footpresses on the needles in thick brown layers.
Nothing moves.
I cough and I scare myself shitless the sound it's like a gunshot. When my heart settles I find I'm still walking.
Still in this eternity.
Nothing moves. The wind is dead.

Hell's supposed to be a fiery pit of endless torture. But I read once that hell is nothingness. I remember; a short bark of laughter when I read that. I’ll take numb over pain thank-you-very-much. Didn't understand. Now I understand. Hell. The  forever loneliness. To persist after life and love and God.
A solitary confinement. Imagine such a place.

Imagine someone built an endless succession of grey rooms. In one, just you. Just you and a slot for gruel and a trickle of water so you’re forced to exist.
Who would build such a place? I am in it now. But there are no walls.

No limits.

No food.

I name this place Hell Forest. Better yet, let there be snow, make it Hellpine. I can’t muster a smile.

Let there be snow. Let there be anything. There is. The hunger and the tired and the sore.
I get used to it.
It fades.
Even that fades. Hell.

Hell is the sucking out of everything.
Hell is anti-living.
Hell is after the slow bleeding out, when no thing is left, when all that ever was has been drained away into an invisible and formless maw but you only you are still there.
The mind alone in timeless looping.

Think, then.

Think.
Speak into the void.

But the trees are all one tree. That is their problem. Uniformity. There is nothing new. Nothing happens here. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

CLANG look down fuck my calf's in a bear trap.
Goddammitfuckshit painpainpainpainpain bring it back the nothing oh please ohpleasewhy bring back the numb the fading the pain oh god the painpain pain fuckme ow I'm sorry why knee hits dirt going grey black thud

.:.




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